Art and My Struggle With Anxiety
Salvation by Imagination, 2019
A large majority of my art revolves around mental health and I want to explain why. Todays post is a little more personal than normal. In 2015 I had a major panic attack. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I thought I was dying or at the very least having a stroke. Honestly, it scared me pretty bad.
When this panic attack happened, I wasn’t feeling particularly stressed or overwhelmed about anything in particular. It literally came out of nowhere. One minute I was in the shower, the next I was trying to get dressed, so I wouldn’t die naked. I know that’s absolutely zero rationale. For those of you that suffer with anxiety, you know exactly what I’m talking about.
I of course went to the hospital, where they ran a gambit of tests on me. They checked my heart and my brain, but they couldn’t find anything physically wrong with me. But the attacks continued to happen. They were so bad I wasn’t even able to work. I spent nearly two months out of work while a doctor monitored me.
Eventually doctors diagnosed me with anxiety. They wanted to prescribe me all kinds of medications, but I’m not too fond of taking pills that alter how I think. They said exercise could help, so I gave running a try. It did help some, but my anxiety still lingered, hitting me when I least expected it.
Holding Hands With Anxiety, 2019
“I got all these thoughts running through my mind
All the damn time and I can’t seem to shut them off. -
I think I’m doing fine most of the time. I think that I’m alright, but I can’t seem to shut it off. ”
One day for no reason at all, I decided to draw in a sketchbook. I’ve always been an artist, but honestly after I got married and had children, my art took a backseat. I would occasionally draw or paint something, but it never really lasted. But that day, everything changed for me. I noticed my mind was quiet and I felt a sense of calm that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. I continued drawing and even picked up painting again. I had finally found something that worked for me.
Eventually my anxiety began to subside and I didn’t experience panic attacks anymore. I started to let my art slip away again, as I got caught up in the day to day life of being a husband and a father. Everything was fine until November of 2016, I lost my job. It didn’t take long for my anxiety to creep back in, so I returned to my art for a few months until I found another job. My anxiety subsided and once again it was hello job, goodbye art.
Sorrow, Worry, and Faith, 2021
The job that I found turned out to be a really good job, but I knew right off the bat, I wasn’t going to be happy there. That unhappiness manifested right back to anxiety. When the next panic attack hit, I made a vow right then and there to never put my art down again. And I never have. I’m not sure where I would be if I didn’t have it. Possibly heavily medicated or worse. I’ll never take my art for granted again. Art has truly been my salvation.
Until next time,
